Because of my off-beat education, college was my first experience with a typical school setting (or, for that matter, and school setting). It worked at first; I spent my freshman year cruising along, taking an assortment of classes, getting good grades, the whole thing was quite enjoyable. I figured out what major I wanted to pursue and got to work on the prereqs; things were dull at times, but overall I felt that I had placed my education in good hands.
Then came this fall, and with it my disillusionment. With my major and GER's (general education requirements) as a guide, my schedule for, well, the next three years or so was pretty much mapped out. I settled in for a year of more prereqs and requirements, started working at my pcyh professor's lab, and generally continued along the obvious path.
The fact that my major declaration papers papers spent half a year living in my backpack without me ever declaring might have been a clue that things were not going so well, as might the fact that I felt so pressed for time that taking a shower seemed indulgent. But even so it took me a while to figure out something was wrong.
One problem was my classes; it wasn't that I disliked them per se, it was that I was just doing them. There was no passion or interest involved, they were on my agenda so I just did them. That was coupled with taking classes I wasn't very good at, which was quite a slap in the face and a real confidence killer especially after a very nice freshman year. Then there was the lab. I love working in a lab, I love doing science and being part of something significant. But jumping into the first lab that came along and which I was essentially told to go to was a big mistake. My next mistake was continuing once I realized I didn't like it. Before I knew it I was working 11 hours weeks before, after, and in between classes and working on an independent study paper in a lab where I just didn't fit in at all. At that point I felt locked in and figured I had no choice but to tough it out.
When I got through the semester, wrapped up my finals, and finally got a break, I can to the realization that had been nagging me for a while - I had worked quite hard to get into a situation that I patently disliked, simply because that was what had been laid out in front of me. In fact, I had lost all confidence in my goals, I was burnt out, and I no longer had any idea whether I really wanted to do with my life what I had thought I wanted to do. It was then that I remembered that I'd gotten a fine education for the first 19 years of my life without anyone telling me what to do, and that had worked much better for me. College, I realized, is best used not as a job but as a resource.
So, not to be cliched, but I stopped asking what I could do for college and started asking what college could do for me. I stopped obsessing over my classes and started thinking about how they may be interesting. After some hard thinking and a lot of talking (more like me complaining and acting as though I was ignoring suggestions, but really listening to them) with my mom, friends, boyfriend, advisor and pretty much anyone else, I've realized that my goals are still reasonable and are still something I want. I changed my spring schedule to have a lighter course load; I can make up the difference when I'm less tired and burn out, I started reading interesting research again, and I approached a young professor at NYU who I'd gotten in touch with about taking me on as a mentee for this spring (I have a research fellowship, so I kind of have to be doing some form of research). I'm going to Johns Hopkins this weekend to meet with several researchers about working with them over the summer. When I get back to Hunter after the summer break I'll start investigating other labs here at Hunter to find a new lab to be my home for the last two years. I'm happy with the changes I've made (or am making), and I think it will make all the difference to get my energy and passion back. I'm glad to have taken college back into my own hands, and I'm looking forward to a happy and successful semester.
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